Real Madrid 4 – Patetico de Madrid 1 : Se Busca Rival Digno Para Un Derbi Decente

By von Doom and El Maestro

So this entry is a little late, as the vagaries of life, the inordinately long food coma, and the long Thanksgiving Holiday kept your intrepid chroniclers of all things Madridista from filing this long overdue report.

In any case, and most unfortunately, there was very little to report from this latest edition of what was once a proud derbi, but has since become a mere tramite on the calendar.   El Derbi, outside of El Clasico, was at one time one of the premier matchups of the La Liga calendar – a duel that promised action, hard-nosed defensive play, copious amounts of smack-talking before (and after the game) and a fair bit of drama on the pitch (and in the stands).

However, ever since the death of the Don Corleone-like Atletico president Jesus Gil y Gil in 2004, (and Atletico’s spell in Segunda Division in the 2001 and 2002 season), Atletico’s persistent ineptitude has effectively destroyed any drama that once enveloped the rivalry.   The gulf between the two teams has grown ever larger as the years roll on, and what was once a “rivalry” is now woefully one-sided.  The numbers, as we will show you paint a grim picture.

“10 years without winning a derby…” The nightmare continues…

• Iker Casillas has never lost a game to Atletico Madrid as a starter.
• Atletico Madrid has not beaten Real Madrid since October 30, 1999, when Los Colchoneros beat Los Merengues 1-3 at the Bernabeu.

Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink (!?!) was the striker last time el Patetico beat el Madrid.. wow.

• There have been 26 meetings between the two sides since that game, with Atletico compiling an astounding 0-6-20 record.

So we ask ourselves – what has accounted for this?  The answer is simple – you have one of the most rabid, loyal fanbases in world football – perhaps matched  in Europe only by Liverpool, Manchester United or Athletic Bilbao coupled with a management structure that promotes mismanagement and incompetence.   To make things worse, it is a weird masochistic and self-perpetuating cycle as the very fans who complain so much about the team and their (relative lack of success) continue to support (via their attendance at matches and merchandise sales) the very people they claim to hate so much and constantly accuse of killing their team.

This disfunction is one of the many reasons Madridistas openly mock their cross town cousins as el Patetico – because in essence they really are.   The disfunction that is endemic to el Patetico would never be tolerated by los Madridistas – in Chamartin clowns like the Gils and President Enrique Cerezo would have been tossed on their incompetent asses long ago.  In Chamartin, footballing cracks like Forlan and Aguero would have been treated with some respect by a grateful fanbase for winning a Europa League and a European SuperCopa. Instead, they were ushered out the back door in a classless manner, the club acting like the unprofessional douchebags they display themselves to be time and time again.   In short,  Atletico is a self-perpetuating mess.  Their fanbase take some sick satisfaction in being losers – it seems, to me at least, that they would not even know what to do with success, and in some weird psychological phenomenon would figure out ways to sabotage that success by reverting to form.  I think the way they summarily gutted their 2010 Europa League winning team in 6 months after the World Cup is testament to that phenomenon.   And so it goes.. and goes… what a shame and what a waste.

“We seek a worthy rival for a decent derby” .. if you are a Patetico fan.. this should embarass you.

So at this point we are asking ourselves.. is it really a rivalry if one side always wins?   A rivalry, by its very definition implies some type of competition... right?

In any case, on to the game highlights..

El Patetico, as promised by the trainer Manzano, came out with guns blazing and played a very physical tough-nose matchup.  Spanish U-21 international and former Deportivista Adrian did a nice move on a one-to-one and beat Iker on to go ahead 0-1.

Adrian slots it past Iker…

Real Madrid generally played a bad game, they lacked the crispness of weeks past, but the difference from seasons past is that this Madrid is able to retain control of these games with much greater facility than they did in seasons past.   However, Manzano’s strategy began to backfire on him on an incursion by Benze-CRACK into the area where he was promptly tackled by the Belgian international goalie Courtois, leaving el Patetico a man down after 30′ .  Former Atletico promesa Sergio Asenjo came in relief at goal with Brazilian midfield stud Diego Costa inexplicably coming out of the game.  CR7 converted the penalty to equalize the game at 1-1, and so it went with that scoreline until the half.

Courtois tackling Benzema for the Roja Directa

Once Real Madrid went up a man the game quickly degenerated into a slugfest, with scarcely any football to speak of.   El Patetico lived up to its mocking nickname as they played with no class, no ideas, and even less futbol.   A rocket golazo by Di Maria at the beginning of the second half, a sick juke move by Pipita against Asenjo and a later second penalty by CR7 made it 4-1 to ice the game.

Air Pipita = Goal Machine

The tactical analysis after watching a crap game like this would be pointless.  Why?  There were no tactics, other than Patetico’s default strategy of beating the crap of Madrid’s strikers.

A bit late, but there you have it.  The winning streak continues to 13 games and followed by el Farsa’s later pinchazo against Getafe left el Madrid 6 points clear of the second place Farsistas… the Clasico matchup in the Bernabeu on the 10th looms ever larger.

!HALA MADRID!